What is grief, if not love persevering?

The truth is that I have not only accepted that I will grieve until I take my last breath, but I want to.  You may ask yourself, who wants to grieve forever? Well, hear me out. 

For a long time, my grief was very heavy to carry.  It felt like it was this tornado that came and destroyed my life and took with it everything I love most and left behind nothing but pain and rage and depression, bone deep sadness and did I mention excruciating pain? 

As time went on, I slowly came to terms with what I was going through and realized that missing and loving Tony is something that will never change and so I started to process my feelings rather than resisting them.  I worked on accepting that there will always be a mixture of unforgettable sad memories like him battling cancer or having his lifeless body in my arms.  But there will also always be all the amazing and unforgettable beautiful memories that we made throughout our entire relationship. That was when I started integrating life into my grief. 

When I say I want to grieve forever, I don’t mean I want to suffer and feel debilitating pain forever.  What I mean is that I want to forever remember and feel the love that’s also behind all the pain.  I live with the duality that is holding space for both happiness and sadness.  The only reason I am even grieving is because of the massive amount of love I feel and will always feel for Tony.

I want to remain close to my grief.  I want it to remain ingrained in me. Stitched in my heart.  No matter what it looks like or what new form it takes through the years.  Because what is grief, if not love persevering?

What is grief if not all the infinite amount of love we have left to give and feel? 

I fully embrace my grief and it is no longer this heavy backpack of cement I used to carry.  It is now LOVE that I hold in my arms, protect and cherish.  Sure, there are still many hard days where I cry and cry and feel the depth of the sadness. But grief IS love and I am thankful that it’s by my side taking every single step forward, WITH me.